Saturday, May 10, 2014

Happy > Busy (and a question for you)

 shirt: c/o much more than me

It's nearly three in the morning. A time I've seen now several days in a row. Earlier today, I'd realized I hadn't eaten anything yet and it was nearly six at night. I finished dinner somewhere around midnight. I'm exhausted. I'm run down. And I've noticed that over the past week or so, I've slipped into a danger zone called "Trying to be Everything to Everyone". I stopped working out, felt groggy, had traded my healthy, whole meals for pita chips in my hand as I ran to the train.

Red flags. Red flags everywhere.

So I'm calling myself out. I can't be everything to everyone. I can be really good to myself and trust that love will pour out into the world and onto those people that I love and interact with. I can be honest about what I can take on and hope the people hearing 'no' will have understanding and forgiveness. I can do my best but stop pushing myself to extremes.

Yet again, I find myself circling back to why we praise being busy in our society. Why do we feel really deliciously good when our calendars and voicemail are full? Why does scheduling something weeks in advance makes us feel adult and important? What about being gentle and easy with ourselves? What about what we want to be doing?

I asked myself that question earlier this week while staring at a growing pile of emails, fear creeping up and over me. "What do you want to do? Who do you want to connect with in this moment?" and I found myself reaching out to two friends whom I've been meaning to write for awhile. Just to say hi, that I love them, I'm proud of them. That's it. That's what I wanted to do. And it felt way better than crossing something else off on my to-do list. Without a doubt, when I work from my heart, I get more done, feel better, and listen to myself along the way. When I work from a to-do list or a place of fear that I won't accomplish something, I struggle, overanalyze, and hide from tasks.

The things that we love are the things that are meant for us. I love going to Lincoln Center, I love helping animals in need, I love being silly and laughing and bouncing around like a child. These things sit in my heart (with many, many more). So when I'm not carving out time to do these things, and the other things I love, I'm actively choosing to go against myself. So that I can feel.. what? Adult? Productive? Frustrated? No thank you.

So what do you want to be doing? Not what should you be doing, not what do others expect of you today, but what do you want to be doing? Do that.

You are not being selfish, you are not being "unrealistic" (that's a curse word in my book), you are taking care of your precious body, precious spirit and using your finite time in the ways you want to. Taking care of yourself does not mean you aren't taking care of others. Actually, it means you can take care of others even more.

So now, what do you want to do today? Do that.

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