Tuesday, November 18, 2014

And Then 24 Hours Later.

// Let me tell you about this day.

It was so chaotic. An early start, freezing cold weather, my phone going off seemingly nonstop. I was trying to answer every single text and call, my hands shaking with frustration, my head ready to explode. A ton of subway rides uptown and back downtown. So much to do, so much pressure. An audition where I was recording take after take after take convinced I was sucking so hard. A meeting where I was convinced I worse than suck, I'm boring, and ugly, and all sorts of painful thoughts. Even more texts and calls. Walking home, tears falling out of my eyes, the phone glued to my ear, and words tumbling out like "it's too much, I'm so overwhelmed, I'm so frustrated".

It was an ordeal.

// Let me tell you about this day.

It was filled with lots of awesome. An early start, chilly weather meant lots of layers, and my phone going off nonstop. I responded briefly with boundaries and non-negotiable sentences. I did what I could and ignored the rest because they could wait. A ton of subway rides up and down town, thinking about how cool it is that just two stops apart can feel like a whole other world, and how different the financial district feels from uptown. So much to do, so much excitement. An audition where I recorded take after take after take thinking that they really like me, enjoying the variety and getting to play with text. A meeting where I felt light and easy and made the other person laugh, enjoying their company and conversation. Being authentic to who I am and asking questions that matter. Walking home, hot chocolate in hand, laughing over how cold I am and praying for the people and animals stuck outdoors tonight, thanking God I had a home to go to.

It was an adventure.

Day 1 was yesterday. Day 2 was today. No difference other than a state of mind. I had an audition and a meeting on both days. I had certain other identical tasks on both days. You get to choose every day which route to go, ordeal or adventure. It's not based on the circumstances or the other people. Other people and lots of circumstances can suck, they just do. It doesn't mean you have to let them take you down.

Lately, more and more I hate the phrase "choose to be happy". Fuck that shit, most people have no idea how to actively choose to be happy. Moreover, I think it's insulting and frustrating to people who honestly cannot choose happiness, making them feel like less of a person because they think others can wake up and simply say "and today I'll be happy!", when they are fighting a war daily just to get out of bed. But here's what I fully support: choose to learn how to choose happiness. Learn how to navigate your state of mind, and know the navigation tools are different for everyone. Some people need a learned practice, some people need prayer, some people need exercise, some need all three, some need none of the above. Find out what you need and learn how to utilize it to your advantage so you can make the choice to have the adventure every day, so you can choose this day, so you can choose yourself, so you can then choose happiness. Fight like hell to learn what you need so that you can go from day 1 above to day 2 above in less than a handful of hours. Fight like hell for your right to be happy. The ordeal is bullshit, the adventure is real.

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