Loudly, Bravely, Fully

This week was - oof. It sat on my chest until it felt like I couldn't breathe. Nothing was specifically wrong, and I find that's the worst. When something is wrong, specifically, it's easy to identify it and attack it head-on. When I just feel like everything is crashing in, that's when I feel sunk.

Which isn't to say I didn't have a hell of a week. Actually, I had the most fun I've had in awhile, out late nearly every night, seeing incredible art, keeping incredible company. I had a blast at silly auditions with girls who had zero sense of competition (the best) and at home recording funny dragon voices from my kitchen. Lunch dates, and dinner dates, and spending way too much money. Coaching artists and writing, planning, learning. Monday, in particular, I just did. I went to a dance audition with bravery in my eyes (and in my shoes), saw girlfriends I hadn't seen in awhile, went to SoulCycle after a month away, bought myself roses and sweet treats, and put on a fancy dress and heels to attend a wonderful one-night only event at Lincoln Center where it seemed like my entire industry had popped on their best bow-ties and shoes and showed up to say hi to a few hundred of their closest friends. We ended the night with drinks and snacks and conversation, and I came home and felt full in that delicious way. I took the whole day to just love myself loudly, bravely, fully.

Feelings can get tricky, can't they? We can be wildly happy and aching in pain within hours of each other, sometimes even at the same time. My heart doesn't stop aching with fear of the future or worry for someone just because I'm enjoying a concert or laughing with friends - all the layers live together. Feelings aren't mutually exclusive. Which is a long way to say don't believe the part of you that says just because you're sad, you can't be happy. You can be all things at once, feel all things at once. You're magical that way.

I wrote this on Instagram the other night and it seemed to really resonate with a lot of people. But I'll tell you a secret: as much as I am writing to you, I am writing to me. So I'm going to post it here, too. So I don't forget. So you don't forget.

Look, we might as well be real with each other, right? I think transparency and authenticity are incredibly sexy. Like, shaking the ground you walk on sexy. In a social media filled world, it's easy to cover, filter, or all together change yourself. But I think who you are - I mean, really and truly who you are - is absolutely delicious. Messy topknot, face mask slathered on, swirling thoughts, in bed with a book before 9pm, and all. The stains on your shirt, and the lines on your face, and the thoughts that you have are what make you, you. Don't hide it. Embrace those things. Fall in love with your own quirks, your mistakes, your questions, your chipped nail polish, your secret dreams, the way you snort when you laugh, and cry over commercials. Love all of it with everything you are. Meet your authentic self for tea every morning, and dates once a week, and in the mirror while you brush your teeth. Meet yourself so much that eventually you recognize the person staring back at you, in the same way we squint as an old friend comes slowly into view and then jump up and down in excitement when we realize it's really them, they're here, this person we've missed for so long. Get messy, get transparent, get authentic. The world needs you too much to hide.

p.s. that beautiful bracelet is compliments of Compliment. use code 'KERRY' at checkout to save $5 on anything in their shop.

p.p.s. one of my paintings is in an amazing auction that ends today. check out the items you can bid on here.

Let's Get Uncomfortable

My heart crept up into my throat as we pulled out of the driveway. The same way it always does when I'm leaving. I kept focusing on a few hours from now when I would be settled back in, laundry put away, bed made up with clean sheets, and most likely out gallivanting around my neighborhood. I kept that thought in my mind until the feeling dissipated.

I've just finished two weeks of spending time with my family, outside of the city. Let me paint you a picture: it's a picturesque small town where you can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. There are grassy parks where kids are playing soccer, and a town swimming pool that families congregate to on the weekends. The Fourth of July is taken with extreme seriousness, and there are three churches within one square mile. I spend my days in an air-conditioned, quiet, inviting space where there is a stocked fridge and cable television. In multiple rooms. I can walk around without socks on and not fear the dirt that is caking onto my skin. It is clean beyond clean. I get to drive with the windows down and music playing as loud as I want to, and I am usually en route to either my best friend's house, the Target that is but five minutes away, or the beach where I'll be greeted by more people that love me. Also, did I mention there is air-conditioning?

It is good, my friends. It. Is. Good.

Add to all of this awesomeness that I'm with my mom, who is my absolute best girl and favorite person to lounge around doing nothing with, and my two sweet baby doggies who are out of their mind happy with the space they have to play in, and their non-city walks full of beautiful grass to roll their doggie selves around in. And I am blessed beyond belief to be able to work from anywhere I am so location doesn't matter.

So you might be saying to yourself by now, "well Kerry, if it's so great, why don't you just stay there?". And to that I would say believe you me I have thought about it. But here's the kicker: just because something is comfortable, does not mean it is right for you.

One more time: just because something is comfortable, does not mean it is right for you.

This thought usually makes me groan and roll my eyes, but it's true. I know that right now I must be in New York City. That's it. I just know. If you know me in real life, you hear me talking lustfully about Los Angeles all the time. Guess what? If I was supposed to be in LA, I would be. It really is that simple. Right now, I'm supposed to be in New York City. If that changes or if I feel called elsewhere, then so it goes.

Sometimes this gives people a bit of a challenge because I can't exactly formulate why I need to be here except just that I do. And my friends, my beautiful souls, let me tell you something: just knowing where you need to be is enough of a reason to be there. (Unless, of course, you're, like, hurting someone or someone is hurting you, in which case you go on ahead and back the heck out of there right now.)

We can apply this to everything. Where you live, who you live with, how you spend your time, what you are doing with your life, what you want to be doing, and whom you choose to love. If you feel comfortable in your job but long to be doing something entirely different then it is time to make a move. If you feel comfortable in your relationship but feel more content then you feel in love, look into that. If you want to move to a city that you've never even been to, just because you feel like you are supposed to or something pinged in your brain when you heard of it the first time, then sweetheart, start packing. Don't waste your time worrying about what you may lose in your comfortable life. The things that will be waiting for you there will be so much better you can't even imagine them now.

Friends, I want to be clear here: being comfortable is not a sign that something is askew. You can absolutely be comfortable and happy at the same time. Just because you're comfortable in your relationship, doesn't mean it's time to break up. I'm talking about the kind of comfortable where we're keeping ourselves somewhere or in something just because it feels safe. Just because the fear of the unknown outweighs the fear of staying in something kind of so-so. That's where the red flags live. And the good news is when something is meant for us, we always get it. So maybe you do leave the comfortable, safe relationship for awhile. If you're meant to be with that person you'll find your way back around to them. Just how it works.

I'm back in the city now, with grime on my feet and my gloriously not air-conditioned apartment (send fans). Within an hour of being back, I found myself with exciting auditions and plans for the week, that seemingly came out of nowhere. Without a doubt, when we listen to ourselves, we are rewarded for being brave and trusting the calm, steady voice that guides us. 

What are you feeling too comfortable with? What kind of change would you make if you weren't afraid?

Happy Monday, friends. Go get those dreams.