Choosing the Tea (and other important choices)

 

We have a Keurig in our house now. Do you know the joy that a Keurig brings? With the quick push of a button, you have yourself a hot beverage. In the morning, when it's cold, and you still don't have your contacts in, this is the kind of invention that makes you know for certain God loves you. Naturally, I decided now was a great time to start drinking coffee (well, start again, after drinking it most of my childhood, but that's a story for another day). It was so easy and so delicious and within days, I found myself feeling like making tea in the kettle was too much of a hassle.

I'm going to write that one more time: I found myself feeling like making tea was too much of a hassle. Uh, what now? Tea? The thing that involves water and a few minutes? Hm.

Just now, I went downstairs to make some chamomile tea before bed, and found my eyes instantly wandering to the Keurig and the hot chocolate K-cups sitting next to it. And this was when I realized I had a choice: do what I know is best for me and for my body, even though it would take a few extra minutes, or do the faster, not so good for me option.

I chose the tea.

I've found myself interested in paying attention to my choices and habits lately. What are the things that I frequently do that don't serve me? What do I purposefully choose to do that keeps me from living my best life? Why am I making those choices? And how can I easily fix them? Let's look at a few (and this is some real talk, friends):

1. I choose to go to sleep very late at night and therefore sleep in very late in the morning.
I'm a morning person. If you know me in real life, you're probably crying from laughter, as nearly every day, I sleep until whenever I want to. Without a set schedule, unless I have an early morning audition or coaching, I can wake up as late as 11 without blinking an eye. Since I'm choosing to stay up super late at night, I'm making it so I'm too tired to get up early. It's easy to let netflix keep playing episode after episode. It's easy to distract myself by scrolling on instagram for hours. It's easy to declare I'm most productive after midnight. You know what takes a little work? Getting to bed earlier. Turning off the computer. Putting the phone down. Not eating sugary snacks or drinking anything caffeinated later in the day. Choosing to get a good night's rest so I can wake up ready to take on the world. That's a little harder, choosing what's best for me.

2. I choose to eat poorly, quickly, or not at all. It's so darn easy to microwave something, and if it says vegan on the front it can totally make you think you're eating something healthy. It's easy to pick up take out, especially in New York City where whatever you want is at your fingertips. It's a little harder to take the time to plan meals in advance, go grocery shopping, and prepare a healthy dinner for yourself. And if we're talking breakfast (aka I'm late, I have to run out the door, oh this doughnut looks great) or lunch (sitting at a desk, more take out, skipping it entirely, a diet coke counts right, etc), well we can just forget it. You know how great you feel when you're eating whole foods, making fresh juices or herbal teas, and generally not eating anything that comes in a cardboard box? Yeah, me too. It's awesome. And we can feel like that all the time. It's about making the choice to.

3. I choose to put things off. Another favorite habit is "I'll just do that later". The laundry is ready to be folded? I'll just do that later. There's 46 new emails in my inbox? I'll just do that later. The dogs would probably really like to go romp in the park a little? I'll just do that later with a side of guilt please. I have things that I've been saying I'll do later from, like, October. And from last summer. And some from 2007. It's easy to say we'll take care of something later on or tomorrow, but the truth is we're just choosing to be lazy. I love lazy. If there was a Queen crowned of laziness it would be me. But you know what feels even better than laying on a comfy couch? Actively taking care of the things in your life. My newest rule is if it would take me less time to just do the darn thing than it would to stand there and debate if I should do it now or later, just do it. When my coat is thrown over a chair and needs to be hung up, that will take like 8 seconds total. Getting the mail? Maybe a minute, plus Henry loves to get the mail. Which leads me to taking the dogs on a walk. If I don't take the dogs out (they're potty pad trained so it's always an option, plus Layla doesn't do cold, rain, or snow), I will literally feel bad the entire rest of the day. Have you ever seen the World's Most Handsome Dog staring out the window longingly? Of course you haven't because then you would be in my house and that would be creepy, but let me tell you, it will break your heart. I've spent hours trying to explain storms to Henry to no avail ("stoooooorm. make boom-boom-boom noises. it's wet. weTTTT. no walk in thunderstorm. do you understand what mommy is saying?"). If I just get up off my Queen Lazy butt and take them out for 10 minutes, we're all incredibly happier.

These are just three examples, but I'll bet they resonate. Why do we do this? I've been writing and analyzing on this for about a week now and I keep ending up at the same place: we're scared to live our best lives. We're scared to hold ourselves accountable to really living. We're scared to not have anything to complain about. We're also not so sure we're good enough or worth so much effort. After all, we're messy, flawed, mistake-making humans. Why should we be good to ourselves when most days we're mad at ourselves? Because we deserve it. You and I deserve our best lives. It is really scary to get what you want. It's really scary to change and grow beyond our current limit. We grow past people, and that's scary. We grow out of jobs, and that's scary. We grow so much we find ourselves in new cities, new homes, new relationships, new careers. And it's so scary. But the alternate, the staying stuck, the "this is okay, I guess" feeling, is so much worse. And so very permanent.

This week I'm challenging myself to make very small changes that will potentially produce big results. I'm planning to go to bed by 11, no computer, phone, or social media at all, and am challenging myself to hit a list of daily tasks that I mostly always do but sometimes skip, such as meditating twice a day, stretching, taking the dogs out twice, and some other things. Will it work? We'll find out. Take a look around at your own habits this week. What do you do to stop yourself from living your best life? Why are you doing it? Is it easily fixable? Let's talk here or on instagram, and start making better choices together.

Loudly, Bravely, Fully

This week was - oof. It sat on my chest until it felt like I couldn't breathe. Nothing was specifically wrong, and I find that's the worst. When something is wrong, specifically, it's easy to identify it and attack it head-on. When I just feel like everything is crashing in, that's when I feel sunk.

Which isn't to say I didn't have a hell of a week. Actually, I had the most fun I've had in awhile, out late nearly every night, seeing incredible art, keeping incredible company. I had a blast at silly auditions with girls who had zero sense of competition (the best) and at home recording funny dragon voices from my kitchen. Lunch dates, and dinner dates, and spending way too much money. Coaching artists and writing, planning, learning. Monday, in particular, I just did. I went to a dance audition with bravery in my eyes (and in my shoes), saw girlfriends I hadn't seen in awhile, went to SoulCycle after a month away, bought myself roses and sweet treats, and put on a fancy dress and heels to attend a wonderful one-night only event at Lincoln Center where it seemed like my entire industry had popped on their best bow-ties and shoes and showed up to say hi to a few hundred of their closest friends. We ended the night with drinks and snacks and conversation, and I came home and felt full in that delicious way. I took the whole day to just love myself loudly, bravely, fully.

Feelings can get tricky, can't they? We can be wildly happy and aching in pain within hours of each other, sometimes even at the same time. My heart doesn't stop aching with fear of the future or worry for someone just because I'm enjoying a concert or laughing with friends - all the layers live together. Feelings aren't mutually exclusive. Which is a long way to say don't believe the part of you that says just because you're sad, you can't be happy. You can be all things at once, feel all things at once. You're magical that way.

I wrote this on Instagram the other night and it seemed to really resonate with a lot of people. But I'll tell you a secret: as much as I am writing to you, I am writing to me. So I'm going to post it here, too. So I don't forget. So you don't forget.

Look, we might as well be real with each other, right? I think transparency and authenticity are incredibly sexy. Like, shaking the ground you walk on sexy. In a social media filled world, it's easy to cover, filter, or all together change yourself. But I think who you are - I mean, really and truly who you are - is absolutely delicious. Messy topknot, face mask slathered on, swirling thoughts, in bed with a book before 9pm, and all. The stains on your shirt, and the lines on your face, and the thoughts that you have are what make you, you. Don't hide it. Embrace those things. Fall in love with your own quirks, your mistakes, your questions, your chipped nail polish, your secret dreams, the way you snort when you laugh, and cry over commercials. Love all of it with everything you are. Meet your authentic self for tea every morning, and dates once a week, and in the mirror while you brush your teeth. Meet yourself so much that eventually you recognize the person staring back at you, in the same way we squint as an old friend comes slowly into view and then jump up and down in excitement when we realize it's really them, they're here, this person we've missed for so long. Get messy, get transparent, get authentic. The world needs you too much to hide.

p.s. that beautiful bracelet is compliments of Compliment. use code 'KERRY' at checkout to save $5 on anything in their shop.

p.p.s. one of my paintings is in an amazing auction that ends today. check out the items you can bid on here.

Happy Monday, Anne Has Something Important To Say

a friend sent me a link the other day to a blog I'd never been on for a purpose other than finding this. but then, I found this and the fireworks exploded and the lightbulbs flashed and these words settled comfortably into my heart in an 'oh we know you' way. the blog post noted Ms. Lamott had written this in a facebook post so I set off to find the whole thing, which I've copied in its entirety below. that might be the wrong use of it(')s, I don't know, I don't care. this is not about me, this is about her words. oh her words. so spot on. bathe in them. drink them. take them in slowly, the way you do a new lover because these words are about to own your heart.

the part above is what resonated with me the most except every time I read it, I change my mind with what resonates with me the most. the image of someone sitting by the pool, covered up, hesitating to go in for fear of that thigh jiggle. it's so delicious that idea and so spot on for being an artist and a human and how does she write like this?

mm okie doke that's all from me today. would love to know your thoughts in the comments but if you're too busy running off to write your book or paint something, I understand. I understand.

__

There's a whole chapter on perfectionism in Bird by Bird, because it is the great enemy of the writer, and of life, our sweet messy beautiful screwed up human lives. It is the voice of the oppressor. It will keep you very scared and restless your entire life if you do not awaken, and fight back, and if you're an artist, it will destroy you.

My pastor said last Sunday that if you don't change directions, you are going to end up where you are headed. Is that okay with you, to end up still desperately trying to achieve more, and to get the world to validate your parking ticket, and to get your possibly dead parents to see how amazing you always were?

This is not going to happen. They are either so dead, like mine are, or they are insatiable, or so relieved that you did not end up divorced--or if you did, then heavily into drugs, like the Woodson girl, or more out of shape than you are, like Esther's son. It's hopeless, and this is the good news.

Putting those tiny pesky parental voices aside, what about, oh, say, the entire rest of the world?

Do you mind even a little that you are still addicted to people-pleasing, and are still putting everyone else's needs and laundry and career ahead of your creative, spiritual life? Giving all your life force away, to "help" and impress. Well, your help is not helpful, and falls short.

Look, I struggle with this. I hate to be criticized. I am just the tiniest bit more sensitive than the average bear. And yet, I'm a writer, so I periodically put my work out there, and sometimes like all writers, I get terrible reviews, so personal in nature that they leave me panting. Even with a Facebook post, like the last one, do you have any idea what it's like to get 500-plus negative attacks, on my character, from truly bizarre strangers.

Really, it's not ideal.

Yet, I get to tell my truth. I get to seek meaning and realization. I get to live fully, wildly, imperfectly. That's why I'm alive. And all I actually have to offer as a writer, is my version of life. Every single thing that has happened to me is mine. As I've said a hundred times, if people wanted me to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better

Is it okay with you that you blow off your writing, or whatever your creative/spiritual calling, because your priority is to go to the gym or do yoga five days a week? Would you give us one of those days back, to play or study poetry? To have an awakening? Have you asked yourself lately, "How alive am I willing to be?" It's all going very quickly. It's mid-May, for God's sake. Who knew. I thought it was late February.

It's time to get serious about joy and fulfillment, work on our books, songs, dances, gardens. But perfectionism is always lurking nearby, like the demonic prowling lion in the Old Testament, waiting to pounce. It will convince you that your work-in-progress is not great, and that you may never get published. (Wait, forget the prowling satanic lion--your parents, living or dead, almost just as loudly either way, and your aunt Beth, and your passive-aggressive friends, whom we all think you should ditch, are going to ask, "Oh, you're writing again? That's nice. Do you have an agent?")

Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you're 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn't go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It's going to break your heart. Don't let this happen. Repent just means to change direction--and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn't mind ending up at, and aim for that. Shoot the moon.

Here's how to break through the perfectionism: make a LOT of mistakes. Fall on your butt more often. Waste more paper, printing out your shitty first drafts, and maybe send a check to the Sierra Club. Celebrate messes--these are where the goods are. Put something on the calendar that you know you'll be terrible at, like dance lessons, or a meditation retreat, or boot camp. Find a writing partner, who will help you with your work, by reading it for you, and telling you the truth about it, with respect, to help you make it better and better; for whom you will do the same thing. Find someone who wants to steal his or her life back, too. Now; today. One wild and crazy thing: wears shorts out in public if it is hot, even if your legs are milky white or heavy. Go to a poetry slam. Go to open mike,and read the story you wrote about the hilariously god-awful family reunion, with a trusted friend, even though it could be better, and would hurt Uncle Ed's feelings if he read it, which he isn't going to.

Change his name and hair color--he won't even recognize himself.

At work, you begin to fulfill your artistic destiny. Wow! A reviewer may hate your style, or newspapers may neglect you, or 500 people may tell you that you are bitter, delusional and boring.

Let me ask you this: in the big juicy Zorba scheme of things, who fucking cares?

-- Anne Lamott from her Facebook page

Happy > Busy (and a question for you)

 

 shirt: c/o much more than me

It's nearly three in the morning. A time I've seen now several days in a row. Earlier today, I'd realized I hadn't eaten anything yet and it was nearly six at night. I finished dinner somewhere around midnight. I'm exhausted. I'm run down. And I've noticed that over the past week or so, I've slipped into a danger zone called "Trying to be Everything to Everyone". I stopped working out, felt groggy, had traded my healthy, whole meals for pita chips in my hand as I ran to the train.

Red flags. Red flags everywhere.

So I'm calling myself out. I can't be everything to everyone. I can be really good to myself and trust that love will pour out into the world and onto those people that I love and interact with. I can be honest about what I can take on and hope the people hearing 'no' will have understanding and forgiveness. I can do my best but stop pushing myself to extremes.

Yet again, I find myself circling back to why we praise being busy in our society. Why do we feel really deliciously good when our calendars and voicemail are full? Why does scheduling something weeks in advance makes us feel adult and important? What about being gentle and easy with ourselves? What about what we want to be doing?

I asked myself that question earlier this week while staring at a growing pile of emails, fear creeping up and over me. "What do you want to do? Who do you want to connect with in this moment?" and I found myself reaching out to two friends whom I've been meaning to write for awhile. Just to say hi, that I love them, I'm proud of them. That's it. That's what I wanted to do. And it felt way better than crossing something else off on my to-do list. Without a doubt, when I work from my heart, I get more done, feel better, and listen to myself along the way. When I work from a to-do list or a place of fear that I won't accomplish something, I struggle, overanalyze, and hide from tasks.

The things that we love are the things that are meant for us. I love going to Lincoln Center, I love helping animals in need, I love being silly and laughing and bouncing around like a child. These things sit in my heart (with many, many more). So when I'm not carving out time to do these things, and the other things I love, I'm actively choosing to go against myself. So that I can feel.. what? Adult? Productive? Frustrated? No thank you.

So what do you want to be doing? Not what should you be doing, not what do others expect of you today, but what do you want to be doing? Do that.

You are not being selfish, you are not being "unrealistic" (that's a curse word in my book), you are taking care of your precious body, precious spirit and using your finite time in the ways you want to. Taking care of yourself does not mean you aren't taking care of others. Actually, it means you can take care of others even more.

So now, what do you want to do today? Do that.

Lessons In Snuggling

Every morning, I wake up to a little puppy girl snuggled up against me. She likes to keep at least one paw on me at all times but sleep calls for fully up against my back, my stomach or sometimes lounging over my head (yes, it's as fun as it sounds). No one knows Layla's story except for Layla but I'm pretty sure her original human(s) left her and she'll be damned if that ever happens again (not that it ever, ever will - girl is home for life with me).

This morning, however, when I rolled over to say good morning to her, I realized the furry butt snuggled up to me was my Henry. My non-snuggler. My boy who likes a lot of space to sprawl out in. This makes sense when we factor in that he was locked in a cage for the first 6 months of his life. Kid likes his space.

My heart was just filled up with love immediately, and a thought struck me: encouraging someone to be braver but giving them the space to grow in their own time and on their own terms, while accepting them exactly as they are each step along the way, might be my personal definition of Love.

This awesome revelation was quickly followed by the pang of guilt and shame as I realized I do this wholeheartedly with my dogs.. but am not as gentle or patient with the humans I love.

One of my blessing/curses is that I can always see the incredible potential of the people that I love. I can see their greatness and that they already have within them the things they feel they are lacking. And I want to wave my arms frantically and make banners announcing it. "Hey look over here! You are already the amazing, beautiful, worthy creature you are attempting to be! Let me show you how to access that!"

And that's not my job. Unfortunately. Well actually is is my job but only with my clients and even then I can only shine a light, they must still make the journey. More over, just because I love self-growth (uh, obsessively) and striving toward always learning more about myself doesn't mean everyone else does. And just because I love someone that does not give me permission to coach them. And it certainly does not give me permission to highlight what I may feel they need to change. Not my business.

I'm trying to figure out why it's so easy with my dogs and harder with my human tribe. My dogs love and accept me unconditionally, so that's a start. And I am constantly reminding myself that they have had some tough times before so it's my duty to actively show them love. But the same can be said for people.

I remember having a similar thought about this several months ago. I was struggling to get Henry to learn something new and reminded myself to be patient with his growth, when it dawned on me that I was not being patient with the growth of my favorite human. I wanted that person to be able to be in a place they weren't ready to be in yet, and I wanted them to get there faster than they were able. When I actively reminded myself to love and accept him the way I love and accept Henry, it really shifted things. Since I'm a flawed human too, I forgot about this idea after awhile and went back to wanting him to be ready nownownow. But the good news is this great experience this morning has reminded me I get to try again with the people that I love.

So that's my current goal: encourage those I love to be braver but give them the space to grow in their own time, on their own terms, while accepting them exactly as they are right now.
Should be super easy, right? ;) If you're down to join me in this mission, let me know in the comments!

Start

It's usually every day that I find myself jotting down ideas to blog about. Or at least making a mental note of the ideas and stories I have to share. And then I circle back to the idea that I must do a first post. An intro. A welcome.

Which is, in other words, a big fat excuse and distraction as to why I can't get started.

Then it became about the images and finding the right one, or the only one, or the best one. Say it with me now: excuses.

Here is the truth: it is on us to start. To pick up the pen and start to write, to open our mouths and begin to sing, to pick up the guitar that's sitting lonely in the corner staring at us, to lace up our running shoes and get outside, to pick up the phone and call the person we're afraid to. It's on us. And that is some heavy responsibility filled with fears, doubts, and what-if's.

But if we don't do it, it will never be done. It will never exist. The masterpiece that only you can create, the love that only you can give, will never be out in the world. It will stay bottled up within you.

So let's do this together: take a deep breath and today, challenge yourself to start or do the thing you've been meaning to do for awhile now. Be brave.

Go get your dreams, friends.